did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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