Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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