when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
