no, he came in my armpit
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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