I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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