Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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