...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Randomize
