the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
