i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
