Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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