i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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