You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
