you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
