hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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