I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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