im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Buhtt sex?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
