In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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