They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
So apparently I’m into choking now
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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