matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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