Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
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