Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
