I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
