yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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