just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
