I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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