Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
