Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
