why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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