Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
