Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
