i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
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