My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
