The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
