mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
