there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
