My nipple is on Facebook.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
