Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
