I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
