brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
