I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
