if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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