before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
