It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
