Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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