I didn't shave. On purpose
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
