I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
