omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
