I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
