Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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