I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
