then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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