You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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